The Game of Thrones Party Guest Matrix
With Game of Thrones wrapping up what has been a fairly unpleasant 5th season on Sunday, it's easy to wonder, "Is there a single character on the show that I would enjoy having a drink with?" To answer this important question, we took a good look at all the main characters and plotted them on a graph based on their drinking and social habits. We then used this 100% scientific method to determine which characters would make the best party guests. Introducing the Game of Thrones Party Guests Matrix.
Description of the axes:
Sober-Lush — Does a character seem like someone who would enjoy a glass or two of Dornish merlot over roasted lamb shanks? If so, they're going on the lush side. But if they're the type person that takes themselves a little too seriously or doesn't seem like they can handle their booze, they're on the sober side. Pretty straight-forward.
Not Chill-Chill — This one's a little more complicated as it takes into account a characters' trustworthiness, life philosophy, murderous impulses, and a handful of other things. If a person has burnt their own daughter alive at the stake, that's definitely not chill. But if they seem like someone that would be fun to hangout with or can ride freaking dragons(!!), they'll be on the chill side.
A few more thoughts on these Game of Thrones party guests:
THE PARTY ANIMALS
Members: Tyrion, Jaime, Brienne, Ser Jorah, Bronn, Margaery
The questionable invite: Ser Jorah.
On one hand, Ser Jorah is old, which makes his incessant stalking of a young Daenerys kind of creepy. He's also proven to be a bit of a liar. AND FOR FUCKS SAKE! QUIT TOUCHING EVERYONE WITH YOUR GROSS GREYSCALE HAND, JORAH!! But on the other hand, he's awfully chivalrous and a man with his set of principles deserves some props. He also probably has some kick-ass battle stories.
The life of the party: Tyrion.
There's an old saying that you should always either be the smartest, the funniest, or the drunkest person at a party. If you're one of those, you're going to have a good time. If you're two of those, you're going to have a blast. If you're all three, you are Tyrion Lannister.
Members: Daenerys, Jon Snow, Arya, Sansa, Sam
The perfectionist: Daenerys
Daenerys is the type of girl everyone would want to bring home to meet the parents. She's smart, attractive, and has interesting talents. The total package. Except she's a worrier. Everything has to be perfect. If only she would let her hair down, let her dragons roam, and quit worrying if REEK! is going to pee on the rug (Spoiler alert: He is going to pee on the rug).
The brooding bro: Jon Snow
Jon Snow will NOT be having fun. He will have his friend's back if someone tries to pick a fight with them. He will give them a shoulder to cry on and listen as they whine about how they thought Ashley was the one. He will even be the first one to put down money for the next alcohol run. But under no circumstance will he be having a good time.
THE WET BLANKETS
Members: Varys, High Sparrow, REEK!, Stannis
The chronically dissatisfied: High Sparrow.
The music is too loud. The food is too spicy. The dance moves are too provocative. The clothes are too revealing. Everyone is drinking far too much. Want to have a bad time? Invite the High Sparrow.
The boring conversationalist: Varys.
Varys is that guy who lingers around the keg waiting to entrap people in long, boring conversations about every mundane aspect of his life. Maybe he ordered soup for lunch. Or maybe he recently started a blog. Don't worry, he will let everyone know in mind-numbing detail. Be warned, there is no amount of disinterest that one can give off that will make him stop talking. Varys probably has cats. Lots of cats.
THE PARTY FOULS
Members: Littlefinger, Cersei, Melisandre, Roose, Ramsay
Most likely to give you a hug then talk shit behind your back: Cersei.
Cersei is Regina George.
Most likely to start a fight then spike the punchbowl with rat poison: Ramsay.
Wait... who invited this guy again??