NAPA, CA — Newly certified Master Sommelier and former Sith Lord Darth Vader spoke with media members today for the first time since the release of his INTERCELLAR wine label. As expected, the mood quickly turned tumultuous as Vader went in to an extended tirade, chastising Wine Spectator for what he perceived to be an “inadequate” rating of his 2012 Cabernet Sauvignon. “You know not of what you speak. Your insolence will not go unpunished,” Vader bellowed from behind his podium.
In the three years since hanging up his light-saber and stepping aside as chief henchman of the Galactic Empire, Darth Vader has found himself consistently cloaked in controversy. His latest outburst comes on the heels of a recent confrontation in which Vader called renowned wine critic Robert Parker a “magniloquent nerfherder” and declared his palate “that of a Gungan child.”
Parker responded through his Twitter account:
Tensions remained high throughout the press conference as reporters pressed Vader on whether he had any involvement in the bizarre disappearance of planet Agamar. Agamar, previously known as a simple farming planet on the Outer Rim, was experiencing a wine renaissance after its soil composition and weather patterns were found to be ideal for grape growing. The vast influx of Agamarian wine had begun to threaten many established wineries across the Universe, with some lobbying the Imperial Senate to impose tariffs on the affordable, high-quality vino.
The Dark Lord dismissed the accusations responding that he “had nothing to do with the destruction of Agamar” while warning the media that “if you are accusing me, I suggest you choose your next words carefully as they may be your last.” His stance remained defiant despite numerous news outlets reporting having seen the Empire’s Death Star in close proximity to Agamar shortly after its disappearance.
An anonymous source also claims to have spotted Vader and Emperor Palpatine at Mos Eisley hotspot Decantina laughing and sharing wine over Bantha steaks the night of the universal disturbance. “Mee’sa saw ‘dem. Dey looked weeeeel happy,” said the source.
When asked what the former Sith Lord was doing the night of the disappearance Vader responded, “I was home watching Game of Thrones with my boo. No spoilers, please. I haven't read the books.”